When Does The Coach, er, Parent, Need a Timeout?

Q:  I’m worried that I’m too much of a softie when it comes to discipline. How can I make my children behave?

A: There is a very fine line between cute and offensive as kids start to get older. While everyone has different ideas about what is and is not acceptable behavior, you don’t want to become the parent of the child everyone dreads having over.

Let me make one thing clear. I do not condone hitting or spanking a child.

The two most important things when it comes to discipline are being clear and consistent.

Clearly define your expectations. Your child needs to know what is acceptable and what is not.

Be consistent. You can’t back down. Sometimes it can take a long time before the “rule” sinks in and your child behaves the way he or she should. Giving in and/or not punishing a bad behavior only one time will set you back—now your child knows there is wiggle room so he or she will certainly try the bad behavior again.

Why not? Nothing happened last time.

Don’t wait too long for the punishment. The younger the child, the quicker he or she will forget. Action needs to be immediate to be effective. If Jimmy keeps grabbing toys from other kids at a morning play date and you threaten to skip the bedtime story if he doesn’t stop, it offers no incentive to stop the grabbing right now, and by the time bedtime rolls around the incident is long forgotten so what’s the point of skipping the story then?

So what are the practical applications?

Personally, I like the system Supernanny uses. But the idea isn’t hers alone. You can find similar techniques and theories from experts all over the Internet. For this article, I used her web site, www.supernanny.com, and Parenting magazine’s web site, www.parenting.com.

Step One: If your child is misbehaving, give a warning. Define the egregious action and the punishment he or she will receive if she doesn’t stop.

“If you keep throwing your crayons on the floor, I am going to put them away and you won’t be able to color any more today,” is an example.

When you talk to your child, bend down so you’re having a face-to-face conversation. When you stay standing, towering above, the situation feels very confrontational and intimidating to the child.

Step Two: Follow through. If he or she does it again, deliver the punishment.

“Counting to three” is a variation of this. Some mom friends and I were laughing about it last week. It seems to work but only because the kids tend to comply after “one” or “two” at the very latest. None of us had a good idea about what would happen if we got to three.

Common Punishments

A time out or Supernanny’s naughty step technique are very common. They do a couple of things. First, just removing the child from the situation can instantly start to diffuse it and the time “alone” gives the child a chance to regain composure. Second, you are preventing the child from doing what he or she wants to. That’s a compelling punishment for most toddlers who want what they want when they want it.

First, give the warning.

If the child continues, tell him to sit on the chair/step/mat for however many minutes he is old. As you lead him to the time out spot, go over the reason again so the child knows exactly what he did wrong. “You kept on throwing toys, so now you have to sit here for FIVE minutes.”

If he gets up before the time has elapsed, gently but firmly return him to the naughty spot until he sits there for the allotted time.

When the time is up, now it’s time for a hug and one more quick recap of the reason he was there.

My son is 2 and hasn’t had a whole lot of timeouts, but when he needs one, I take him to the same chair and sit holding him on my lap because he won’t stay by himself. I find just the act of taking him away from what he wants to do works.

Taking away something they want is a good deterrent. For toddlers who aren’t sharing, taking away the toy is an effective punishment, or leaving the play group right away and going home. For older kids, taking away privileges, like TV time or going to a sleepover, works.

Leaving is pretty powerful as well. When my son starts to misbehave in a store or restaurant, I always wonder if leaving is really a punishment or if I’m just giving him exactly what he wants and thereby rewarding his bad behavior. I read in Parenting, that leaving does work. Children do perceive that they’re missing out on something.

There are a few traps to Avoid.  Empty threats have no effect because your child will quickly learn that it doesn’t mean anything when you say to stop doing something “or else”…and or else never happens.

The occasional white lie can be very tempting but it can also backfire once you are found out. I think we all know that if you cross your eyes, they will not get stuck that way.

Watch out for bribes. Save them for very big, rare occasions or else they become the norm. As a toddler, my nephew was a terror to take out shopping because if you didn’t buy him something, he’d throw a fit. (Sorry, sis, this isn’t meant to be a criticism, I’m just showing an example of how a good idea at the moment can go wrong.) I’m sure it started out innocently enough as a “treat” or a way to placate him on a particularly bad day.

What’s the best way to discipline? Don’t forget to “catch” your children being good! Praising good behavior will greatly reduce bad behavior.

Check back next week for tips about how to promote and encourage good behavior.